dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
