If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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