Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
