It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
