saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I fill condoms, not promises.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
