You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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