what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
