JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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