fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
