I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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