I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
