This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
