You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
