I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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