Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The Olympian is in my bed
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
