What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
