you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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