Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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