We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
