I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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