I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
