life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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