he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
