sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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