hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
