Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
