I'm jealous of your bromance
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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