Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
