Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
