i think my mom watched the whole time
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
