May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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