walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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