why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I did not marry a roomba.
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