You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
