yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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