apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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