i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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