When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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