I think I won the penis lottery.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
