Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
