Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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