my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
