It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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