If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
