I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
