My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
