Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish you could order shots online.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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