Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
