i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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