So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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