Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
