I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
