Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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