did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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